Well I thought it was time to update. Life this summer was completely crazy. I started dating a girl named Holly. This entry is ganna be my diary, bc I can never say what I want. Mb took a lot out of me the last few years. My parents didnt help that problem this summer either. In early July I was probably the worst in my life I have ever been. Then I found Holly. Our first date was the Kelly Clarkson concert. It was so amazing. When I first met her that night I didnt know how she would really look or act. If there is such thing as love at first sight, then that was it. I cant describe how she changed my life. Everything from then on seemed so much better. It always seemed like she could take away all my pain. She like had no problems. We really didnt fight, it was playful if we did. There was no drama. I was like omg God, I think I love this girl. Then things between me and her picked up to fast. My sarcasm got to her to. We broke up in early september. I havent been happy since then. I mean I laugh and have fun with friends, but I am not truly happy. Things have gotten so bad between me and her. We cant even talk now without fighting. I thought I could get her back. It seems like shes the one that got away, bc I dont think shes coming back. I have been struggling so much with what my feelings are. I mean I think I love her, but I also have a lot of feelings still for another. So who do I love? How do I tell? I always prided myself as someone who was so confident in love. Now im so lost. College is a lot of fun. U can do what u want, when u want. The only thing is, im not sure im doing what I want. Im trying so hard to listen to God and just be patient. I hope someday soon God will so me what he wants of me and what he wants me to do with my love. I think as of now I am not ganna say love. I dont really know what it is anymore. All I can do is keep searching. I cant give up.

Date:	2005-07-14 11:58
Subject:	ending
Security:	Public
Mood:	optimistic
Music:	listen to ur heart

Today will be my last entry in livejournal. I promise. I now have facebook which is the college version of LJ. Ill just leave some last thoughts of mine before I end. To those people who will actually read this you should listen to me. In life there is so many roads that we can take. Its not always the right ones we take. I can vouge that I have certainly not taken the right ones at times. Before u agree to something big or something that will change ur life, u should always think back and just sit on it for awhile. The decisions I made without stopping to think were usually wrong. Im one of those people who believe u should always listen to ur heart and do what it tells u no matter what ur brain says. Sometimes God has a way of putting what he wants for us in our hearts. Our minds our the thing that leads us to do the wrong thing. Most people never realize that the heart is the one God uses more then the mind. High school is full of so many memories that will live on with me forever. Many people I will never forget. I pray that God will lead u down the right roads and u will listen to ur heart, and trust in those 2 things. I have used my heart in some circumstances, but not enough. Sometimes high school is full of people usually ur "friends" telling u to do something that deep down u know its right or isnt right for u at that moment. I think that friends are a great thing, but I would warn that before u take advice from people u should think that they really might wanna help, but cant. They havent been u. Every action, every thing we do affects our heart and minds in different ways that nobody else will ever understand. I will be back sometime for a football game. Until then, if u need me u kno my cell. I dont mind waking up at 3am to talk to someone that needs me. I always have my phone on. So until then. Goodbye. Love to most of u.lol. Hears a song that has touched my heart. I know there’s something in the wake of your smile. I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah. You’ve built a love but that love falls apart.
Your little piece of heaven turns too dark. Listen to your heart,when he’s calling for you, Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do. I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why, But listen to your heart,before you tell him goodbye. Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile. The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah. They’re swept away and nothing is what is seems, The feeling of belonging to your dreams. Listen to your heart when he’s calling for you. Listen to your heart, there’s nothing else you can do. I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why. But listen to your heart,before you tell him goodbye.

The last few weeks have been so tough. In many respects I feel like giving up on everything that I want. It seems like God doesnt want me to have them. I have prayed about it a lot and realized that mabe God just wants me to work even harder to get what I want. Heres a song that made me think so much. "Seems like our love is on the road to nowhere fast. All my life I thought a love like this would last. But every road can hide a corner we can't see. I had a vision that I woke up by your side. I felt you're breathing in the songs were written. But who can choose the destiny.Not me. We had it all right in our hands, We had the room to fly and still the place to land. And so I'm calling now, I'm calling now, You're the only one. Who can say words from what we've done. That don't leave me hanging up. I'm reaching out and praying you'd come back again. It's just darkness im living in. And you're the only place my heart has ever been. Maybe I'm longing in a ways of love naive. Maybe I'm desperate for a reason to believe. There wasn't anywhere I thought that we would fall. I've seen perfection in a rainbow in the sky. I've seen a child who makes the coldest run and cry. But loving you I thought was greater than them all. And we had it all, just you and me, And now there is a doorway to me heart without a key." I just am so lost with everything, and just wish it was easy. It seems like the choices I make everyday are huge ones.

Date:	2005-06-05 18:02
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	because u live

Just what I need. Time. Ive realized that I cant anymore. So I am ganna be a big boy and just deal with my own problems and deal with my own life. No more running to.... This will be my last entry. Sadly. I am going to start facebook, which is the college version of lj. I just dont want people to read this anymore. Sorry to those who read, but u can call me to talk bout whats going on. Or u can do it the old fashioned way: NOT KNOW. Here is a good song to leave yall with. One that is very meaningful to me. BRANDON read the words. lol. They represent a lot. I made a mistake last night. I wish I could take it back, because its a chapter in my life that I wanna finally close. I think its for the best. Well here is 2 songs. I prayed so much last night and I believe God has really showed me something. Something new and fresh. I can do better. I deserve the best.

Staring out at the rain with her heavy heart
It’s the end of the world in my mind.
then your voice holds me back like a wake up call
I’ve been looking for the answer, somewhere…
I couldn’t see that it was right there
But now I know what I didn't know
Because you live, and breathe
because you made me believe in my self
When nobody else can help
Because you live (girl)
my world has twice as many stars in the sky
It’s alright, I survived, I’m alive again,
’Cause of you, made it through every storm,
What is life? What’s the use, if you’re killing time?
I’m so glad I found an angel…
Someone…who was there when all my hopes fell.
I want to fly, lookin’ in your eyes…
Because you live, and breathe
because you made me believe in my self
When nobody else can help
Because you live (girl…you live …)
my world (my world) has twice as many stars in the sky
Because you live … I live
Because you live, there’s a reason why
I carry on, when I lose the fight.
I want to give what you’re givin’ me, always…
because you live (and breathe)….
because you made me believe in my self
When nobody else can help
Because you live.

Thats a song I just added, but it really is amazing and just makes a lot of sence to how I feel.


There's three in the hall
From those pictures in the closet
Two in the bedroom
From that night that I lost it
And one deep inside me
Determined to stay
They don't get any bigger
But they don't go away
Holes in and around me
I keep falling back into
Holes dig in and surround me
God knows that I'm gonna do
To fill in these holes... left by you
I poured drink after drink
But nothing hit bottom
I've been on my knees
Admitted my problems
The love that we made
Is still barely an echo
I'll try anything
In these vacant hollow
Holes in and around me
I keep falling back into
Holes dig in and surround me
God knows that I'm gonna' do
To fill in these holes... left by you
There's two through my hands and one through my feet
From this cross that I'll bear till the day that I see
It's guilt and it's blame it's shame and it's hell
Seeking the truth... I've dug them myself
All these holes dig in and surround me
God knows what I'm gonna' do
To fill up these holes... left by you

Date:	2005-06-04 23:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Behind these

gosh i just cant stand it. its like watching someone u care bout more than anything burn alive. When u try and rescue them and they dont want ur help. Or as my eady would say it "ur drowning and i throw u a lifepreserver and u just threw it back." thats kinda how I feel. I just wish this person would listen to what I have to say and just come back to what they were. In the end I know what will happen, but I just wish God would make the journey there easier. I am bored to tears so if u wanna talk, just call the cell. Ill be up till like 2.

Date:	2005-06-04 01:06
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Exit to Exit

ok the last few days have been insane. But then again in my life when is it not drama filled? I really am bout to shoot my parents. I just wanna go and leave right now. Where to though? Thatll all be discussed tomorrow with someone. Ok so I have been grounded 4 like a week. Then one wed. it was up. 4 the next week I have to be in by 10. What the crap. The only good thing is there is only like 3 more days of this. Then its back to the usual, no curfew. I cant wait 4 that to come back. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, I would either be on the beach either in destin or in Laguna; or be in my city, NYC. I was just randomly thinking sorry. Well I guess it ties into the whole get away thing. Tomorrow I am ganna do something that has to be done. I have to explain myself and come clean. I think once that is done things.. well I guess with what I am ganna say who knows what could happen. Drama Drama. It follows me everywhere. Its at school, at home, other peoples houses, it even follows me to the beach. Lol. I just cant escape from it. In a way though, I guess it keeps things interesting.

Date:	2005-06-01 00:34
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	behind these

what do u do when u come to a point in ur life where u feel like u dont know anything. I have finally reached that point. I am so lost in my life with many issues. All I can do is pray. Sitting up late at night just sitting in the dark thinking is what every night has turned into. I wish there were things that were different. I cant make them change though, God made it this way for a reason. All I know is that a part of me is lost. It missing. If u know where it is let me know. Cause I cant find it. Wow I speak so metaphorically in these entries. U would only get half of the things I say if u knew me really well. Theres prob. only one person who understands everything. ANYWAYS, tomorrow I am free. I am not grounded anymore. God change whats wrong, and make it right. Ok yeah and if there was a name for the sheer boredom I feel everyday I would put it, but theres not. Hopefully my life will start to get interesting. I miss school actually. Well the social part at least.

Date:	2005-05-26 19:39
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thankful
Music:	"you and me" lifehouse

God has done a lot in my life the last few days. I had one of the worst days in a long long time. I just wanted to talk to one person. I thought that they would be the only one to make me a happy and be able to understand and give good advice. It turns out that I was put on a timer. Imagine that being told that u only have a 10 min to talk, because their so busy with their own lives to deal with ur problems. That hurt so much, and just topped onto an already horrible day. I just wish God would change her. Shes not the person I once new. Nowhere even close. I know people change, but that doesnt mean that you have to become a totally different person. The loss of what has happened in this relationship has left my life in pieces. I heard some great quotes today. "There is 2 tragedies in life. One is to loose your hearts desire, and the other is to gain it." The next quote is this:"Dont settle for the things u can live with, settle for the things u cant live without." I have done so much praying last few weeks. They have been so tough, because I lost someone who was the world to me. It seems to me that this person is dead, because I dont know them anymore. Cindy was so right in her descriptions of what a man should be. I have tried so hard to be that man. I think I am almost at my goals in every area. Its a never ending process though. You keep growing. My prayers will be answered. I know deep down that someday, someway I will be the person I once was. Its amazing because when u meet someone who changes ur life in every way, u have to hold onto that. I have let it slip away. But through prayer and through the continual efforts to find who I once knew, God will do what he wants. I am sorry if I have not been the person I once was. Many people have said this to me. I know that im not. Thats because a part of me is missing, and thats why im on a quest to get it back. Many of the quotes cindy used in her standards apply to women as well. Love is something that I never thought I would know and feel this early in life. I am one of those people who believe that true love only comes once. U can like some other people a lot, but it will never be love. God says in Song of Solomon 8:6 :Place me like a seal over ur heart,like a seal on ur arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot wash it away. I would just like to say thank you to God. Because I know know and feel now what that verse says.

Date:	2005-05-25 14:12
Subject:	hurt
Security:	Public
Mood:	nauseated
Music:	Home

Today I went to school to drop off my tux. Lets just say it felt so so weird. It was just very uncomfortable. Then something happened that we wont say. Its just so painful to think bout. I think my last entry was misunderstood. I depend to much on things that cant handle me. Im tough to handle, what can I say. I thought a lot last night about a lot of things in my life. I am just at a point in my life where I just dont know a lot of things that I thought I was so sure about. Last night I sat in my bed thinking for a long time. Theres something in my life thats a magnet. It keeps pulling me back and makes me re-think everything. Life just seems to be so confusing right now. It almost seems like I am standing in a room full of people talking and I scream, and nobody hears me. I have so many things to say, but cant say. So many secrets and so many thoughts I have to hold back on. I just for one time want to come out and speak my mind and have people listen. A girl I once new got me hooked on music like this, but that girl I havent seen for awhile and prob. will never see again.
don't stop breathing everytime the phone rings
My heart don't race when someone's at my door
I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call
I don't believe in magic anymore
I just don't lie awake at night
Asking God to get you off my mind
It's gettin' better all the time
It's gettin' better all the time
Yeah, I got to work on time again this morning
This ol' job is all that I got left
And no one even noticed I'd been crying
But at least I don't have whiskey on my breath
Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it
'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb
It's gettin' better all the time
It's gettin' better all the time
God I hope you're happy
Girl I wish you well
I just might get over you
You can't ever tell
I always thought that I'd do something crazy
If I ever saw you out with someone else
But when the moment came last night, I couldn't say a word
I stood there in the dark all by myself
Yeah, I could have said a million things
But all I did was keep it locked inside
It's gettin' better all the time
It's gettin' better all the time.
It doesnt seem like its getting better though. If only my phone would ring.

Date:	2005-05-24 11:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Chariot

I have been thinking a lot the past few nights. I have went into the "introverted steven mood" where I am just quiet and just think a whole lot. I have come to the conclusion that change is just a word. The thing that I want is the action to change. Thats what it is. The action has to change. So I think thats what i have done the last week and 2 days. Changed. Im going out this week with someone who I can connect with on a different level then the consistent signs of immaturity and self abuse that I had been dealing with for a long time. I am finally understanding what people have been saying for a long time. What they said I wont say for many reasons. I just realize that in order to be happy I need to stop lying to myself that everything will be ok and that everything will eventually go back to the way it once was. Its never ganna be like how it was. God is so good, because he has helped me realize that I dont need to depend on things that are so weak themselves. U cant lean on something if its always falling down. I think I have found something that will hold my weight and will support me the way I need. Heres a song that explains every emotion and thought. I was listening to the radio on the media player and heard this. Read the word if ur actaully interested. Like its funny bc I heard this song after I had already written this entry. Every word is so perfect.

In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of your yesterday.
Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,
Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try.
Cause it's your time,
Time to fly.
All your worries, leave them somewhere else,
Find a dream you can follow,
Reach for something, when there's nothing left,
And the world's feeling hollow.
Can you hear it calling?
Can you feel it in your soul?
Can you trust this longing?
And take control,
Fly open up the part of you that wants to hide away
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try.
Cause it's your time,
Time to fly.
And when you're down and feel alone,
And want to run away,
Trust yourself and don't give up,
You know you better than anyone else.
In a moment, everything can change,
Feel the wind on your shoulder,
For a minute, all the world can wait,
Let go of yesterday.Fly, open up the part of you that wants to hide away.
You can shine,
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try,
Start to fly.
Forget about the reasons why you cant in life,
And start to try, cause it's your time,
Time to fly.
In a moment, everything can change.

Date:	2005-05-23 22:17
Subject:	LO
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous
Music:	Chariot

so today has been very well mixed feelings. I want to be back at the beach soo soo badly. I am excited about wed. night. hopefully everything will go ok. I think God will work everything out. I am about to embark on a new adventure and put myself out their to someone I really like, and someone who likes me. I guess we will c what happens. I love my new icon. Dont u? I cant wait for the new season. One tree hill finale tom. wow itll be good. I just started watching that show like 3 months ago. Someone once told me that it was a really good show. I just never gave it a chance. Im glad I finally have though. Pray 4 me, because the next few weeks will be tough, and the next few days will be tough with the events that will be going on.

There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far

Date:	2005-05-21 21:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	flirty
Music:	City Love

I thought I would elaborate on some of the stuff from the trip. Okee be ready cause im ganna give a summary of each day. Dont worry itll be ok, keep reading. lol. On Mon. morning I woke up 30 min late. I had already packed most of my stuff so that was good. Stephen picked me up. We had to turn around though, to go back and get my shirts I had on hangers. That would have been bad. The funny part was when we got to the parking lot. All the moms were like "drivers, do not speed." I heard that like 100 times. Mrs. Boutwell wanted to follow stephen. We tricked her and went a long way and she just kept goin stright. We passed everybody within 20 min. We started much later. I think our average speed including stops was like 75. Which means we went a tad over that if we stopped 2 times. We had races with Brandon. I started taking Doritoes and throwing them out the window, and they would hit Brandons car. Lol. Okee fast forward... Tues. we went to the beach. Fun Fun. I went shoppin and got nice shirts and really really nice sunglasses. I thought I was ganna run out of money cause the glasses were a good amount of $. Played mini golf and did the go carts at the track that night. That was fun. I won mini golf and wooped up on the 2 tracks. Wes came from his golf game just to race me. That was nice of him. Sorry I had to woop ur ass though. Saw a very special girl their. The look she gave was priceless. Then i turned around and sarah gave a look that was even more priceless. Saw a lot of people I like and that im ganna miss. Then we went to a beach and.. well we will just say that we all had a good time. We didnt do anything illegal dont worry. Well nothing illegal in Florida. On the way back I took my lighter out. When u open it it lights up really bright like the exact police car lights. Brandon has a phobia of police cars, so u know me and my sweet self. I took the lighter and me and stephen pulled right behind Brandon but in the lane next to him. I took it out and started opening and closing it. We sped up and saw his face. lol. he thought it was a cop. oh how funny. wow this is a lot of writing. I will update wed - fri later. my hands dont like typing this much. Later

Date:	2005-05-20 23:22
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	Wonderwall

well im back. It was an experience, lol, lets just say that. I had so much fun though. But of course there was drama. But hey, if ur around me u r bound to have drama. That just comes with the territory of being me and being around me. I had so much fun getting a good tan. Lol. I didnt burn once. I love my skin.lol. Some of the girls and I went shopping a few times. I bought some really nice shirts at J. crew and 1 from Gap. The J. crew ones are pink. Yes mb PINK. And they actually look good on me. After all ur badgering me to get one, I got some. Then I got new sun glasses. They look so so good. They look so much like Stephens from Laguna Beach. I have been lookin for a pair like them 4 like forever. I finally found a pair that suits my taste. Yea I am ganna have to have my wife take my money I earn and not let me touch it. Lol, I love spending money. Overall I had such a great time. A lot of late nights staying up and talking on the beach. Fun nights at the Track. Omg we saw like all of Briarwood their. I saw Catherine and she stopped and we just looked at each other I went up to her and gave her a huge hug. I think that girl is amazing. On wed night at 12 we all went to Star Wars. I saw like all of Briarwood their again. And once again I saw well..lol. We will C. Oh yea I got a new hair style. I now am doin that messy look. Not the straight hair I had. It was to plain and to stiff. It looks so good now. I feel like so much more confident with the new hair style and sun glasses. Ill update later on some of the other things that went on

Date:	2005-05-14 13:02
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	"summer sunshine"

1 more day. then to the beach. im so excited. This week has been so much fun. Tonight should be the best of them all if everything works out according to plan. Last night was a laguna marathon. I watched 3 episodes, but had to go out to eat before the crawfish boil. That was a lot of fun. The only thing in my life that is bad can be described in these words. "unanswered, ring, games, childish." yea thats about it. Maybe ill update later. I love my new icon dont u?

WANT A NORMAL LIFE JUST LIKE A NEWBORN CHILD
I AM A LOVER HATER I AM AN INsITIATOR
YOU ARE AN OVERSIGHT DON'T TRY TO COMPROMISE
I LEARN TO LOVE TO HATE IT I AM NOT INTEGRATED
JUST CALL MY NAME YOU'LL BE OK
YOUR SCREAM IS BURNING THROUGH MY VEINS

SOONER OR LATER, YOUR GONNA HATE IT GO AHEAD AND
THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY DRIVING ME UNDER LEAVING ME
OUT THERE GO AHEAD AND
THROW YOUR LIFE AWAY

YOUR LIKE AN INFANTILE I KNEW IT ALL THE WHILE
YOU SIT AND TRY TO PLAY ME JUST LIKE YOU SEE ON TV
I AM AN OVERSIGHT JUST LIKE A PARASITE
WHY AM I SO PATHETIC I KNOW YOU WONT FORGET
2 (CH) MY LIFE AWAY
3 (CH) OUR LIFE AWAY

wow this is a song that descibes a lot of feelings 4 me right now

Date:	2005-05-07 14:53
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	"cold"

well well the time is finally here. I have been waiting for this next week to come for a very very long time. The feelings I have been having lately have been so strange. Like its almost as if it really hasnt hit me that ill be leaving all my friends. People that I have grown up with the last 4 years. I have so many great memories that I am taking away. Some bad ones too. High school is just weird, because u r like wishing everyday that ull be out of there, but then when u r where I am u realize ur ganna miss a lot of things about high school. I wont miss some things. I just tried to much, to long and didnt get any help and didnt see any results. Im out. Off to Bama. Off to a new start, with new people.

Date:	2005-04-27 18:35
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	"my worst fear"

Dang it turns out that it wasnt Kristen. I was so disappointed. 8 more days of school for me. Yay. I am at the point in school where I just dont care anymore. I dont feel like staying up till all hours of the night re-doing my papers 5 and 6 times. Sorry thats not me. I dont feel like studying for a long time either. I dont think I have studied more then 30 min all year for something. I am so excited for the senior trip. It is ganna be so much fun. I feel that I will get into trouble down there in some way or another. I think im goin out this weekend with my dream girl. That will be good. I need a break from the constant crap of certain people, and deal with someone who is nice and actually a good girl. Not that I have dealt with people that are liers, or manipulators, or even people that just think of anyone but themselves. ANYWAY, today was an ok day. I was talkin with Catherine today after math. We are both so so sick of that class. Please if u can, do not take pre cal. Mr. Farr isnt bad, but its just not the most fun math.lol. Well is there a fun math? Its funny, but lately I feel as though I am wrong about so many things that I thought I was right about. I think that God has just really shown me that I was just holding on to things in my life that were not there, and things that just were not good for me. I have realized that I am better then waiting, and lying, and just being 2nd. But I think that I have finally found a good thing.

Date:	2005-04-25 21:10
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	"secret garden"

Lately I feel as though time is slipping away with high school and with things I still want to do. Tonight was the senior recognition banquet. I just really realized tonight how much I love my class. I have a lot of great friends, that im ganna miss. There are certain people that I still wanna grow closer to before I leave. Today was an ok day I guess. I was let down again after school. Thats ok, it doesnt really bother me anymore, because it has just become the norm. This year has been a year of so many up's and down's. There is a lot of things I regret, and things that I wish I had never even started. I think I made a lot of good choices. I made a choice last night that is probably one of my better choices ever. It is something that has come after lots of prayer and lots of nights staying up thinking. I just wish that I could stop time and go back. Like I wish I could go back in time a year maybe 2 and just see decisions I made and all the events that have changed my life in one way or the other. I am so ready to graduate. Ready to start new. Ready to find new things in my life that I can hold on to and love. College is going to be so amazing. I know it.

Date:	2005-04-24 17:04
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	nervous
Music:	"secret garden" the song in Jerry Maguire

When you believe in something so much it hurts, and what you believe in so much is slipping away, what r you supposed to so? Right now there is a lot of things that im just sick of dealing with and sick of confronting. I am so frustrated with my parents also. My dad got mad and said to stop asking for things because I am acting like a 3 year old. What did I do? Well my mom was like "steve what r u ganna do round the house to help?" I said "whatever u want mom." My dad said he needed the lawn mowed. I allergies hurt really bad, and i said i would do it tomorrow. He said that he is sick of me not doing anything. Yea whatever.lol. 3 more months. Then I have a issue in my life that really is the only issue in the world right now I am worried about and care bout. It is the thing I believe in. We wont talk bout that, because its my problem. It always has been, and I am trying to keep it that way. Cause this is a problem that I can always solve and one that I always get. Last night was the last play. Wow, its actually a great play. I watched it 6 days in a row. It got better and I liked it more every night. After the play we went to the after party. But before that me and stephen played hide in seek/ tag with cars in Meadow Brook. It was a lot of fun. He didnt know it was me at first, but then realized it after I took off when he put on his high beams. The party was fun. Good music and a lot of good people. I really enjoy all of those people, they r a bunch of fun. Well pray that I can solve my problem. It needs some work.